I just don’t know anymore…
So I have a co-manager with whom I seem to have a communication issue. He is always very curt and even unfriendly with me, and we unfortunately have to work together most evenings. Therefore, ignoring the problem isn’t going to help matters much.
I’ve tried letting it go, attempting to stroke his ego (which, by the way, is incredibly difficult for me to do; as a woman I try to avoid playing dumb) by asking questions to which I already know the answer, and it seems that no matter what I do, he continues to speak to me in a demeaning manner and refuses to teach me the parts of the job that I need to know in order to effectively run this particular establishment.
I honestly began to feel as if it were because of my gender, as he has loudly stated that “his wife will never work”, and because he seems to interact with the male managers and the female staff that are subordinate to him perfectly well.
I have been told quite clearly by the owner that I am not subordinate to any other manager other than the current GM. That being said, I am more than happy to work alongside this manager in any capacity he would like, as long as he uses the proper tone when making his requests and as long as he isn’t sitting on his butt when he makes them.
Case in point: tonight I offered to speak to a table to whom he had been unable to fulfill a promise he made, and smooth things over. He responds by curtly telling me (while leaning against the wall, as he had been for 20 minutes) “I handled it, just go to the door.”
I had to take issue with his tone, because as usual it was incredibly rude and sounded like an order. Again, he’s leaning against the wall during this interaction. I replied, “I’m sorry, but is there something wrong? Are you upset about something?” (I said this because shit was about hit the fan as far as I was concerned. I am fed up with his attitude.)
He said, “JUST GO TO THE DOOR AND SEAT PEOPLE. GO TO THE DOOR!”
Fuck no he did not. He needs to start the fuck over and check himself.
It was later brought to my attention that he seems to feel that I speak to him in a different manner than the other managers, who are all American. He was born in Bangladesh.
I was flabbergasted when I heard this. I don’t care if he was born on the motherfucking MOON. The only reason I speak to him with less ease and familiarity than the other managers is because his tone with me is demeaning. Also, he stated that I should follow his orders because he has more seniority.
Again: I’ll do anything anyone asks of me, as long as it’s put politely, and they aren’t sitting on their ass when they make that request.
However, it seems strange to me that I think he’s being misogynistic toward me, and all the while he thinks I am a racist.
Could we both be wrong? I can say with confidence that none of my issues with him stem from his race. I have no idea if my gender plays into the way he behaves with me.
One part of me is hurt and sad that someone thinks I have treated them unfairly or differently due to the color of their skin. The other part of me wants to tell him that the next time he speaks to me in that tone, he’s no longer going to be in possession of his testicles.
Here’s the one thing that I think clears me of the racism charge: There is another manager of the same ethnicity, and he hasn’t seemed to have any trouble at all with the way we interact, nor has he been reticent about sharing his knowledge regarding the job we all do.
I hesitate to speak to a superior about the issue, as I’d rather not get anyone else involved. However, I think that in this case, he has outwardly made a serious accusation against me, whereas I have only suspected a gender bias to myself.
I am considering asking someone to mediate a conversation in which I tell him what I heard and explain how I feel, asking him what behaviors I can change in order to not make him feel slighted. Hopefully he will want to work together in order to have a better working relationship.
However, I also feel that it’s important that he hear from a superior that I am not there to do his bidding, but rather to work as a team to keep things running smoothly.
So yeah, it sounds so reasonable and like it might work. But probably he’ll just pretend to go along with it and then continue to hate me.
Which, fine, suit yourself.
But cover your balls, dude. I am not playing around here. I need this job.
